Uncommon Decencies

Yesterday afternoon I was talking with a friend about how common decencies and simple manners are no longer so commonplace. Here in Israel it's unusual to receive thank you notes, whether via snail or e-mail, for wedding or bar or bat mitzvah gifts. Over and over again I hear of how often people don't receive call backs from messages they've left at institutions or places of business. Littering is rampant here, as is not cleaning up after one's dog. Many folks think nothing of using their cell phones at length in the middle of an ongoing conversation. Teachers complain of how many parents rush to defend their children as right, before even bothering to listen to the educator's point of view. My friend asked where is the line that marks the difference between poor manners and out and out aggression and violence. We both realized it's a slippery slope.

Later that evening, the conclusion we reached was tragically brought home. Two bus drivers' bullying and pushing to be the first to get through a checkpoint led to one driver's decision to pass in a no-passing zone. The bus, carrying a large group of visiting Russian travel agents, careened 80 meters down a slope. 25 people died and many others wounded. The line between putting oneself first and downright criminal behavior was shown to be a slippery slope, indeed.

I don't hold myself up to be a paragon of good behavior. I've made more than my share of selfish choices. Yet yesterday's incident urgently brought home the importance of paying attention to the old fashioned notions of decency, or as we call it in Yiddish, “menschkeit.” Slowing down to allow a car to easily and safely merge into traffic. Allowing someone to pass. Looking the bus driver in the eye and thanking him for deftly giving you both your change and your ticket while simultaneously trying to handle other passengers and safely maneuver in crazy traffic. Acknowledging gifts with a simple thank you card or e-mail, even if this is considered passe.

Rudeness is bad for business. A 1999 survey conducted by Eticon Inc. of business people in the U.S. showed that 58% of people decide to take their business elsewhere when they encounter rude behavior. More than 76% of employers like receiving a post-interview thank-you note, but only 36% of applicants write them according to a survey by Accountemps, a staffing firm in Menlo Park, California.

Being a kind decent human being also carries benefits for us as individuals. A study carried out by Allan Luks of more than 3,000 volunteers of all ages showed a strong connection between helping others and improved physical and emotional health, increased self worth and optimism. Other research has shown that acting in kind ways can add years to your life. And lest you think that you might have a faulty kindness gene, M.J. Ryan, author of The Giving Heart: Unlocking the Transformative Power of Generosity in Your Life and one of the authors of Random Acts of Kindness  claims that you can train yourself to be nicer. He suggests that we don't have to become saints, but that each of us can find the particular acts of kindness that draw us, whether it's visiting someone sick, helping a busy single parent or just being nice to the people you come into contact with every day.

More than ever before, we need to move from a “me” based society to a “we” based one. Our grandparents and parents were right all along. Being a mensch is good for business, good for our health and safety, good for the planet.